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As a deer pants for water.

In the book of Psalms, David makes the well known statement:" as a deer pants for water, so my soul thirst for You Lord"

I have often read it and even sang the song that was based on this psalm.
I would read or sing these words and ever so often i would look at the people around me singing it.
Some would stand motion and expressionless and " just sing"
Some would have their hands stretched heavenward and with contorted faces sing along.
I looked at everyone around me, while simultaneously looking within MYSELF.
I would stand there and wonder:" are they REALLY thirsting, or are they ,like me , trying to will myself and convince myself ( and maybe even convincing others)that i am truely thirsting after God?

For i know in God alone i can be safe, satisfied, healed,protected,guided. But to actually be desperate for Gods presence…to THIRST……

I have cried out to God before in pain,anguish and anger,but i have never really THIRSTED for Him.
On my lifes journey when i was in the pit of depression, devout of any feeling or sense of purpose ,my senses were so numb. For me my depression was the closest i could imagine with my human mind what hell would be like, because it was a dark, suffocating,lonely and fearfull place.
But it was devout of any sense or feeling. No emotions, no appetite and hence definately no thirst.
No, even in my depression i can not claim that my soul thirsted for God.
What i longed for was to once again walk in The Light and have purpose guide my steps.
I craved deliverance from my darkness.
I cannot claimed i thirsted for God.

In times of pain or disillusionment i have cried out in anguish and anger at God. I was desperate yes. Desperate to be delivered from my circumstances , but even in this i cannot claimed that i thirsted for God.

In times of fear and uncertainty, i have clung to God for peace and direction. But even here what i longed for was deliverance from my anxiety.
I cannot really claim i thirsted for God.

It was only when i willingly decided to withdraw from people and God and just be still and know that God is, that the true meaning of this became of meaning to me.

I was responsibility overtaxed.
In short: burned out.
Not depressed.
Not anxious.
Not hopeless.
Just pulled in so many directions for so many years, i could not stretch any further.
So i took time out from people…..and from God.

My faith was deep enough to know He would never leave or forsake me and that He Himself commands us to just be still and just KNOW He exist.
My faith was mature enough to know my salvation was secured.

I did not read my bible.
I did not go to church.
I did not listen to worship songs. And i completely withdrew from all people.
I just was.
I just was ….a mom and a wife……no more.

I knew i could not live on bread alone, so i did play my worship songs while cooking and cleaning. I did try and read a verse here and there between a monsterous to-do-list.

Then one morning as i walked to work, instead of trying to pray through my list of thoughts, i decided to just plug my earphones in my ears and not think, but just listen to worship music.
It was not that i was seeking God.
I merely wanted to distract my very busy mind.
I just wanted to forget all the responsibility and worry.

I am not sure if it was because the earphones blocked out the traffic sounds around me, or the fact that one can hear the music so much more in detail when its plugged next to your eardrum, but as the music played i listened to Gods word transformed into lyrics. I listened with more than my ears, i listened with my heart. I meditated on the words of truth sung and in my minds eye, i imagined the greatness, the magnitude, the mercy and love of my God that was being sung about.
And suddenly i felt something in the pit of my stomach…..it was like air was sucked out from me and as i allowed the music, the words and the mental images it conjured, to enter in,it was asof water trickeled in and satisfied! Something i did not know i lacked.
Through tears i felt my soul gasp,sucking in whatever it was that was taking place.
" oh God…..oh God……." Is all i could whisper through tears.
" i miss You Lord….."

I dont think " thirsting after God" is something we can, or need to will.
Its not something we have to muster up or try to attain.
It is something we are born with – an inert thirst to see our Makers face.
Spirit is born of Spirit.

Someone once wrote: our soul is restless untill it finds its rest in God.

I dont think modern man knows what real thirst is in the true physical sense.
But we all know what a craving is.
Thirsting and craving is probably closely related.

When people get councilled to help them to stop smoking, they are taught that a craving last only three minutes. If you can distract yourself from grabbing a cigarette for three minutes, the intense desire will pass.
I think thirsting for God is a natural need,but we have become so distracted, so focussed on other things,that we have suppressed that craving.

But it is there.
It depends what one focus or meditate on.

AKNOWLDGE HIM IN ALL YOUR WAYS AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT

Over the years i have learned what God meant by the statement:" He will not give His glory to another"
The hebrew for glory is ‘ kavedh’ and means TO SHOW ONESELF great or mighty. Thus God’ s glory is how He makes Himself known or shows Himself.
If His Word says that he never leaves us or forsake us, instead of trying to " spot satan or evil’ s handy work in a given situation, rather stop and ask:" Lord show me where YOU are in this?"
Hand and hand, closely related to this,
i have learned that the reason WHY it is so powerfull when we choose to praise God in the midsts of trails and pain, is because it ignores satan, it takes the focus off you and your circumstances and it places the glory where it belongs: back on God.

One particular morning i was walking to work, pondering on all my " lessons" from the last few years.
I was rather dispondent this particular morning and my mind was like a noisy zoo, conflicting voices of depression, confusion, exhaustion, doubt and much more ,all shouting at each other for centre stage.
I tried to override these voices with some selftalk:
" ok,this is a good time to practice what you preach, to walk the talk.
Lord, i feel so wound up and unsettled. Please help me. I know Your Word says that You will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is steadfast on You and that when we aknowledge You in all our ways, You will make our paths straight.
Please help me."

As i walked on the way to work i was waiting to hear from God. I expcted Him to now " do as He says He will".
But nothing happened.
I looked up and decided to then start worshipping God. I looked up and saw a small bird pecking around in a bush. The sunlight caught his small body, his green and blue feathers shimmering like satin. Everything about him was perfect and beautifull. Even the green leaves and the little pink flowers in the bush was stunningly formed.
I looked up and saw the fluffy white clouds against the bright blue sky. I felt the crisp morning breeze on my bare skin and felt the wind twirl my loose hair ends. As i looked down on the ground i saw an ant carrying a morsel of food 4 times the size of itself and a centipede slowly going through some leaves.
" thank you Lord for Your creation. Such beauty and diversity.You are truly magnificent! How marvelous is the works of Your hands!
Other religions worship the god of the sun,the god of the river, the god of different animals,but You, You are not just God of ALL, but CREATOR of all!! My God is amasing!!!!"

"Thank You Lord for my legs that are able to walk this morning,my eyes that are able see Your glory all around"

A movement on my right caught my eye and saw a young lady struggeling to pull a big green dusbin uphill towards the gate to be in time for the garbage truck
" thank You Lord, that i have a loving husband that does that for me. How blessed i am. Lord, i dont know this lady, but You do. Please bless her today and may she know how special she is. If she is waiting for a life partner, please bless her with a Godfearing man.If she is married, lead them to You so they can fully enjoy the benefits of a godly marriage. If she is unsaved, please lead her to a place where she can know that she does not have to carry around the garbage of her own life, but that You will cleanse her from all unrigteousness."

As i walk past the security gaurd standing by the gate of a block of flats, i smile and greet him.
He looks baffled as if not expecting it. He smiles back nervously.
" lord protect this man as he stands protecting others. Watch over him as he watches over others and as he gets paid to keep others save, i pray that he will get to know the Ultimate Savior of his life. And if he does know You allready, save him this day then from all his troubles as he trusts in You."

A man is walking towards me. He is looking rather " dodgy".
His eyes looks glassy and he is in desperate need of care – on more than one level.
"Lord, please cover me in the blood of Your Lamb. Forgive me for judging this mans intentions, but if he has any evil intend, please protect me. May You open his eyes to see Your angel surrounding me and may he be drawn to You. "

I walk pass unharmed, i trust and hope that my prayer has prepared the way for Gods salavation for him

On the opposite side of the road, another man is carrying an entire wooden door on his head.
" lord, You know his circumstances. Please may Your will be done in His life. If he is unsaved, may You lead him to open the door of his heart to You. If he is allready saved, please open doors of opportunity and blessings to him."

I walk past two men sweeping the pavement and gutters. I smile broadly and greet them. They look up puzzled and then hesitantly greet back.
"Lord, bless the work of their hands. If they are unsaved, let Your Spirit sweep through their hearts and lead them to YOU."

As i cross the busy intersection, two cars rush pass me, even though i have right of way as a pedestrian, causing me to halt.
"Lord forgive them their selfishness. Protect them as they rush to their destination. In their rush, may they not miss YOU on their journey, whether they are believers or not……."

A bus waits for me to cross. I smile and mouth the words THANK YOU to him. He smiles back and nod.
" Lord may goodness return to him three fold"

I walk into my work place……and i have not really encountered any miraculous evidence of God on my way. But my spirit feel lighter and less cluttered.

I have chosen to aknowledge Him in my path today….and i have indeed found His signature all over…i have put the Glory where it belongs and
as i have chosen to have my mind stead fast on Him, i now find that i am in a place of perfect peace…..just like He promised.

Its only the next and following days that i realise that He has indeed made my path straight just as He promised. For as i walk deep in thought,pondering about many worries, my thoughts get interrupted by a joyous greeting. I look up and see the security gaurd greeting me with a radiant face and wishing me a great day.
In the days to follow the security gaurd, the beggar and the street sweeper seem to notice the days i dont walk and every now and again they stop me to say more than just hallo.
Just a few months ago we were all strangers to each other, each one busy in is own lot.

We are all made in the image of God. This is a sobering thought to keep in mind when we deal with people around us.

Sometimes we seek to find God in the storm or the earthquake, but He is found in the stillness and the quietness in our daily ordinary everyday path….we just need to aknowledge it……

the silhouette of mother with the child against the background of the sunset

We are (or me at least) are so misconceived regarding our role as a parent. We think we are there to teach them and to help them mature. We feel most days that they slow us down in our own personal walk, as we patiently wait for them to sleep through, be out of nappies, feed and dress themselves. We think parenting is about teaching them how to talk and walk.
But it is THEM that teaches us!
When we watch every word we speak and rethink every move we make because we know there are little eyes that watch, little ears that listen and little pitter-patter feet that follow, it is inadvertently them that are teaching us how to talk and how to walk …….. correctly.

How we learn to see the world again through the eyes of a child!!
I am forced to slow down yes!! But as I slow down to see why my toddler is lagging behind, or is suddenly quiet, I am forced to look at the bug he discovered. I am forced to linger long enough to actually NOTICE, that the “shongololo” or the house fly or the cockroach is actually beautifully crafted!

Before kids I looked upon them in haste, irritation and disgust.
But now I notice the shiny blue-green color of the housefly as the sun reflects on him. I notice how he delicately rubs his arms together and that his wings are silky and has amazing patterns crafted on it. I manage to watch as the shongololo’s many legs move as if in a wave form.

When my toddler tries to mimmic the “bzz-bzz” sound of the fly, I laugh warmly and find myself mimmicing it along with him. When he asks for the shongololo to be placed on his forearm and he screeches in delight as it moves along his arm, I laugh aloud with him. I am forced to find time to actually smile and laugh numerous times throughout the day … and the “feel good hormones” are released.
I find myself explaining to my boy each time he pulls his breath in when we walk outside that it is the wind. When it rustles through the leaves or through his baby soft curles I explain: “it’s the wind baby”.  Previously a gentle breeze would have gone unnoticed by me as I rush around probably faster than the wind myself!
I find that as I carry him at night outside with me to lock up the garage and the gates, we stop to see the moon and stars and clouds in the sky. Yes, I am forced to slow down … but I am forced to see my Maker’s signature all around me and notice Him again.
It is in fact our children who teach US how to walk and talk and live again.
Recently, however, I have started to understand a new lesson, one previously misunderstood. The lesson on surrender and dependence on God.
As I hold my toddler at the end of the day in my arms, his willing surrender and total abandon as he snuggles his soft head in my neck, places his arm around my neck, just being still and happy to be with me and to know he is safe and loved. The feeling of delight that wells up in me is beyond description by words. When he runs to me arms lifted up when he is scared, lonely or hurt, conjures another strong and powerful emotion up inside of me.

That surrender, that dependence … it brings a new understanding!

It no longer holds such a negative hold on me.  Somewhere the words from far off flood my mind: “be still and know I am God” … and “I will never leave you or forsake you” … and “If you call on Me, I will answer” … and suddenly I understand!!!

I for once truly SEE and HEAR
Not words on the pages of a Bible
but the beat – beat – beat of The Father’s Heart……..

walking_on_water

This past Sunday morning, We were singing: “Spirit lead me where my trust will know no boundaries, Let me walk upon the waters, take me deeper than my feet would ever wander and my faith would be made stronger”. Years ago, I would sing that BOLDLY, confident to want to walk upon the water, to go where my faith will know no boundaries and my faith will be made stronger. I wanted to GO DEEPER with my God!!!

Little did I realise that in order for your faith to be stronger it needs RESISTANCE training; and this comes in the form of heavy burdens to lift, some distances to run where the finish line never seems to become visible.

To have your faith taken where it knows no boundaries, it has to be surrounded first WITH boundaries … boundaries that are MOUNT EVEREST high.

Little did I know to “go deeper and walk UPON the water” won’t happen on dry, safe ground where the sun of His face shines down on me. To go deep, to walk on water, you need … yes …water … lots of water!!! It comes in the form of wave upon wave upon wave – some days in the form of storms – and you sink! You sink and splutter!!

But guess what?

It is here where you indeed go deeper with your God, where the “God you want and the God who is” are poles apart.

I sing this song today not so much with innocent boldness and excitement, but with a deeper understanding that like my Pastor said, I CAN HAVE THAT!; but it will not be given … it needs to be developed, earned … and it will be painfull, tiring, confusing

But oh so worth it!!!

Nothing beats freedom, a faith that cannot be shaken.

But I now know that the storm will come!
And when I enter the storm, I will not be the same when I come out of the storm Because that is the PURPOSE of the storm.

I sing that song and I am not half as deep as I want to go and I have not yet managed to successfully tell my “mount everests” to be cast in the sea and then to follow them and walk upon the water. But the beauty of each new day is that I get to start again.

I have learned to “ride the waves” and to climb the mountain and I have discovered that along this journey I have had many, many deep conversations with My God. I have indeed gone deeper. And if I have developed some scars through these storms, it is not because I was fighting so hard, but because He would not let me go when I was tossed back and fro.

I am a doglover of note!

Likewise I am besotted with butterflies.

I was walking with timothy’s new puppy, Sugar, around greyville racecourse.

I was thorougly enjoying watching Sugar bouncing around in pure, blissfull, endless energey and inquisitiveness.

Every now and again a cricket or some bewildered insect would leap up out of the grass where it was habitating unaware, causing Sugar to bounce with frowned , determined expression, ears pulled in attention, tail caught between pointing stiff and wagging endlessly!

However, every now and again, it would be a buttefly that gracefully tries to swoop up out of her way, just to meets its grave end, inside her snapping jaws! Continue Reading »

Do this in remeberance of Me. I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine again until that day that I drink it anew with you in My Father’s kingdom.

These were Jesus’ words to his friends, before He was arrested. These were the words before he was to die, so to speak.

Whenever we have communion I try and imagine me sitting at the table with Jesus. For now, we do it in remeberance of Him, of who He was here on earth and what He did. But one day we will be sitting on table WITH Him, celebrating in a love feast!!

Sometimes I feel the communion is too easy, too relaxed. It does not always move us to truly remember………

I have often thought about how the Isrealites had to slaughter an animal to make atonement for their sins. Sometimes I think they had it so much better. You see, if I had to drag an animal to the slaughterhouse each time I sinned, if I had to remove an innocent soft little lamb from its mother’s side, cuddle it in my arms while carrying it to the place of slaughter and sacrifice, feel its little heart beating under my arm where it is lying while I am carrying its warm body and look into its unbeknown innocent eyes, I think I would probably be more likely to think twice before I sin.

The very effort of having to perform this act of sacrifice, to hold it down in position as it wriggles and struggles to get free, to watch its body go limp as blood drains from it Maybe it would be easier for me to remember to confess to turn around

If I had to clean up the area of slaughter after each event and wash of the bloodstained slab it was slaughtered on and wash off my bloodstained hands I would remember for a second time.

I would remember for days on end.

But here we sit in our pews.

We travel to our place of worship in the comfort of our cars. We sit down and don’t GIVE God worship. No! We are LED in worship. We bring nothing to God except ourselves.

We sit back and are served the communion elements. The elements are neatly and elegantly prepared, by someone else. The bread has been baked by someone else, been cut into neat little white squares, by someone else. The grapes were planted and grown by someone else, packed and pressed by someone else, bought from the shop by someone else, poured into little sip-sized glasses by someone else, and conveniently delivered to us where we are sitting by someone else. Cleaning and washing up afterwards are done by someone else, while we rush home to enjoy a real meal.

We sit, we receive and I wonder if we really, truly remember?!

All this goes through my mind as I wait for the elements to be delivered to every member so that we can all partake in The Lord’s table together.

I make a decision!

I choose to remember.

As the elements are served to us,I remember that the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve. I grab hold of the perfectly square-sized, soft piece of bread and I rememberthat He was perfect and sinless. I notice the pure whiteness of the bread andI remember that He was pure and He came to make us white as snow too. I drink the sweet red grape juice and I imagine that if grace and mercy had to have a taste, it would be sweet like this.

This is too easy, Lord I say as I swallow the elements down, Everything is neatly packaged and served to us. We don’t even give anything in return. It does not feel right.

I hear the Sprit reply: Its no different from what My Son did, my daughter. He too served you. He asked for nothing in return, except that You come and receive…..

As the sweetness flows down into my inner being I remember the words: I am The True Vine. Whoever stays in Me will bear fruit……

THAT’S IT!!! I remember now!! He bore my sins, so I can bear fruit. And that is something that I CAN do.

Pack your torch and salt shaker

I plonk myselve down in the car after my third twelve hour shift.

My feet is aching so bad I just cant give another step forward.

My mind is overloaded with responsibilities that has been piled up at an immense rate:

…….Answer that phone call of the irrate public member that has a million questions that he wanted answerd last week already.

Attend to the panicky mother who’s 18 month old has a high fever and she feels her situation is more of an emergency than the 45 yr old male,whose chest we have been compressing and whom we have been giving artificial ventilation after collapsing from a heart attack.

Try and pacify that patient with a swollen big toe who feels the service he has received is of the lowest standard.

Set up for the procedure, the impatient surgeon, that just walked in, wants to do, and do make sure to hurry because he has already got a patient being prepared on the operation table that he still needs to go back to.

Remember to check up on the intavenous medication you have given to four other patients and to check blood results and xray reports.

O yes!! I must still inform the doctor on duty, that Mrs X’s results was very unfavorable and that Mr B’s bloodpressure is dangerously low.

I still need to book admission beds for four other patients and take up two patients to the ward.

I must not forget to sign my schedule drugs and still charge my stock I used on the other three patients…………………….but oh!! That will have to wait now, because someone just walked through the front door with blood pouring out his nostrils and as I approach him, the emergency bell is screeching endlessly in the background as someone with another emergency, no doubt, has just arrived at our ambulance doors!!

My head wants to explode form information overload, my nerves cant handle another need to be attended to and my feet and back feels like they belong to another body.

My bladder is stilll bursting full from not having had an opportunity to visit the bathroom, my stomach ulcer is niggling in a faint warning from having missed lunch .My mouth is so dry I can swallow my own tongue and mistake it for biltong!

And I cant remember if I washed my hands before leaving work…..

Yet, there is a thought that has found a space inbetween all of this overload and a ache that does not belong to my feet or back.

The thought bouncing around inbetween whatever space is left in my mind is : why cant I get this right?

The ache is one of disappointment and dispair.

You see, just this morning as I walked down the passage on my way to work, I prayed, that God will protect me from injuries and contracting infections.

That He will protect my loved ones that was seated in my car as they drove off after dropping me at work.

More importantly, I asked Him to help me be light and salt at my work and to minister His love to someone today. To put a guard over my mouth and help the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart to be acceptable to Him.

That my words will be like a fountain of live giving water to those around me and not an open grave that sow destruction.

Yet,I was not five minutes at work or I stepped right into the old garments that was supposed to be renewed, the day I accepted Him as my King.

As I stepped into my environment of 90% non believers, the negativity folded over me like a suffocating blanket.

My eardrums get bombarded with grumbling and dishonest replies.

Every second word that enteres my ears and mind is dressed and delivered in colorfull profane language and decorated with gossip, anger,bitterness and selfpity from those around me.

Before I know it,I am replying to a scandall story being relayed to me.

I find a swear word slip out under my breath, not once but many times during the day as the pressure to deliver builds,squeezing me until I feel like there is no way out.

I voice my irritation to my colleuge regarding the inconsiderate doctor and I tell her exactly what I wish would happen to him…………..

The weight of the words: the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak settles like a huge rock inside of me, dragging me down into the emotional water of failure.

I have not been a light in the darkness today and the only salt I succeeded to deliver was the type that that gets rubbed into open wounds and spat out because its unpleasant.

I ponder all of this in my heart quietly, embarrest to share any of it with my husband.

I have to work on this. I have to get this right. I need to be my husbands’ helper one day when he steps into his ministry position when his studies are done. But above all, I need to try and be Holy, as God is Holy.

As I quietly sit and eat at the table, my husband, unaware of my inner turmoil, share with me a revelation he had while doing his casestudy.

Its on the passage in Haggai 2:10-17

this is what the Lord said to the prophet Haggai: ask the priests what the law says: If a person carries consecrated meat in the fold of his garment and that fold touches bread or stew,, whine ,oil or other food,does it become consecrated?

The priests answered: no

If the person defiled by touching a dead person, touches one of these things, does it become defiled?

yes the priests answered, it does become defiled.

i realise now, my husnabd says, that when you take a clean object and rub it against a dirty object, the cleansiness of the clean object does not rub off onto the unclean object. No. Rather the dirt of the unclean object rubs off onto the clean object.

At that moment, my husbands words( which is really God’s word) shines into my darkness, revealing where the chains are padlocked into position, and I greatfully allow the sword of The Spirit to cut me loose!!

No amount of getting myselve prayed up, Bible-reading-upped and spending -time- in- His-cleansing-forgiving-presence-upped will ever rubb off onto my godless unclean invironment.

Cleansiness is not something that gets rubbed off.

It cannot rub off.

But it does get defiled.

Very easily and effortlessly so!

My battle here is rather to try and maintain it.

But how then, am I suppose to be a light in the darkness and salt to those around me?

If I cannot rub it off, how am I suppose to live this out then?

I go to bed feeling that God at least understands my struggle to keep clean, but still waiting for Him to tell me how then to be a light and how to be salt.

Like clockwork God waits for me to first get in a few hours of good sleep before He wakes me up and talk to me in the early morning hours.

I hear Him say:

The fuction of light is to enlighten, to guide ,to attrack.

Just like a moth, light attracks.

Light is enjoyed and valued when it is seen.

You cannot switch the light on inside others.

Your way of life can only attact them.

Salt can only be appreciated by tasting it.

You can only add it.

Add too much and they will spit you out.

If you try and rub it in, it will only cause more irritation and discomfort to their wounded souls.

Dont try and rub off your light and salt.

Concentrate rather to maintain your light and salt.

Your job is to just be

BE light and BE salt.

You do this by walking away where you can before they rub off and when they curse,whether its in actual swearwords or negativity, bless them. Counteract it by blessing them in your mind.

Consentrate on getting that right and everythiing else will follow.

Eventually your light will ATTRACT them and your saltiness will cause them to taste and see that I, God ,am good and crave more and come look for more.

And when your cleansiness do get defiled due to close contact, come to Me.

For this reason My Son died, so you can be washed clean as often as needed.

Dont condemn yourselve.

I expect you to fall.

It does not come as a suprise to me, but only to you.

What I do expect, is for you to fall less and less, but fall you will still do until the day I call You home.

So go and BE.

BE light, BE salt.

Realise that you have no power to prevent them from rubbing off on you.

So where you can avoid that contact.

Other wise get up from the ground,dust yourselve off , relight your candle and JUST BE.

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The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus.

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Speed Kills

I was walking around greyville for exercise this morning. Today there was a group of about 150 or more young men from the police force jogging together. As I was briskly walking they came charging past me and within ten minutes I could already see them going around the next bend far in the distance.It normally takes me an hour to briskly walk around the course twice. I found myselve thinking;

” if I didnt have so much problems with my joints, I could too jog around instead of walking. It will afford me a bit more time in my day to do something else before I have to pick up tim from school”

But as I continued to walk and talk to God I realised something.

Yes, I could jog.

The benefits would be getting a bit fitter,perhaps burning a few more kilojoules and having more free time. But jogging is quite stressfull, trying to “push” yourselve and it is in the long run( forgive the pun), something that one cannot continue for long as it causes wear and tear on your joints.

Walking affords me time to enjoy the vast outstretched greeness of the golfcourse around me. It allows me to watch the birds swoop up and down on the golfcourse, to see the trees sway in the wind, watch the dogs gallop with floppy ears and pink tongues hanging out. From time to time I pat a few of their heads and look into their gentle eyes.

I exchange smiles and friendly words to their owners. I get to close my eyes every now and then and truly drink in with my senses,the feel of the warm sun on my bare shoulders and the gentle breeze of the wind through my hair.

I get to shuffles and sort my thought life and I get to talk AND listen to God.

With this new perspective,it then got me thinking about the rat race in life in general.

How aften do we envy or measure and compare ourselves against those “talented runners” around us, that seemingly seem to get there faster, achieve more and have the “’cheer of the crowds” at their dispossal.

In the end, the jogger and the walker still get to the finish line…….

The jogger get there faster and in the end cannot maintain this lifestyle of jogging due to wear and tear.

But the walker, still get to the finish line, mannages to maintain this “lyfestyle” for much longer and in the process gained the benefit of not having”missed “ what life has to offer, due to frenzied rushing ahead.

Perhaps there is more to the saying:” SPEED KILLS”

Running or “speeding” through life does indeed killl the true hidden joys that can only be enjoyed when one linger long enough to observe and savor them.

I think I will stop admiring and comparing myselve to the seemingly great achievers in this world.

They have there shortlived moments of glory.

I have mine…….

Rainbow through my tears

It took me ten years to build up the courage to have my 1st born son, Timothy.

Due to a troubled childhood, I had a lot of emotional baggage and insecurities to work through.I did not want my child to suffer the same fate because of my insecurities, so I spent a lot of time working on myself and never felt ready and qualified to be a mom.

Then God spoke to me through an array of different people, verses and situations.

My final push from God came when I read the definition of courage one day that said:

COURAGE is not the absence of fear, but merely the decision to move ahead in spite of fear

I bargained with God that I wil try only once and if it does not work, that is it!!

I went off my contraception and fell pregnant immediately!!

Throughout my preganancy I was so overwhelmed with fear!

I did not know what to expect, I was worried, scared and was so sick with 24/7 vomiting that I had to be admitted to hospital for dehydration. I went into terrible antenatal depression.

If the pregnancy book had a list of 9 adverse preganancy symptoms, I had at least 8!

My preganancy was anything but blossoming!

And then I had my son, Timothy ,and it was the most amazing, joyfull thing in the world!!

I was so overwhelmed by this experience that I grieved the fact that I wasted ten years before having the courage to experience such joy!

Two years later we were planning a sibling. We tried for 18 months without success!

I could not understand as I fell pregnant so easily the first time.The first time I tried half heartedly and fearfully trembling, but now I wanted it more than anything in the world, and it was not happening!!

When I was about to give up, we received the good news!! I was pregnant!

This time there was no fear, no uncertainty.

I already made plans on how we would rearrange our small townhouse to give Tim’s sibling his/her own space.

I had names ready…….

I day dreamed about breastfeeding………

I already started a journal for her( I just felt it was going to be a girl and I was going to name her Rebekkah)

Only once, I felt the old famliliar antinatal depression creep up on me, but I immediately cast it off saying to satan: the minute this child is born, takes her first breath, and cries her first cry,the sound will be glorifying to the God who gives life!!

I prayed for the depression to lift, and the verse in Ps 23 : even if you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, fear no evil, My rod and staff will comfort you popped into my mind, loud and clear!

I thought this verse was referring to the depression I was feeling as the valley of shadow of death

Only in hindsight, I now know that God was already preparing me for walking literally through the valley of death!

At 12 weeks I started to bleed.

The bleeding was just a few spots and I was told to rest. By the evening I started to experience cramping. I went to the emergency room and was told to wait and see my gynae in the morning. By the next morning I was fully in labour!

When my gynae scanned me I just knew, cause I could not see a heart beat and my bean’ was lying at the bottom of my womb. …

My gynae just said ;’ sorry my girl., the scan showed she stopped growing at 9 weeks already…..

I was admitted to the ward for a D/C and while I was there I was just bleeding uncontrollably.

I kept going to the bathroom to change my sanitary pad when suddenly I felt something heavy pass through my birthcanal.

I went to change my sanitary pad and there she was………..about 5 centimeters big, lying on the sanitary pad!. Oval in form with four stumps where the limbs would have been, two grey dots where the eyes were forming and two holes where the nose would have been!!

It all happened so fast. So unexpected!

I went home, opened the journal I started for her, and wrote;

Today Mommy miscarried you…..

My womb feels empty…….just like the rest of these pages……..

The following few days I was not as shattered as I thought I would be. God was truly comforting me in a way I never knew possible. It was weird, .like my emotions and heart was wrapped in soft cottonwool….

But I was to be shown in a more real way exactly how God’s rod and staff would comfort me through people being used by Him.

For this valley of death had many nooks and crooks and bends that I still had to face…….

Three days later my breasts started to leak milk but there was no little mouth to suckle!

It was more than I could bear!

I cried to my husband and remember saying to him: I know she is in Heaven, and that one day I will see her.But I never got to meet her and know her, so how will I even know its her when I meet her?

My husband answered : She will know you. She was nestled under your heart for three months…..

The next few weeks I battled emotionally, going through the normal grieving process of depression, blaming, anger, bargaining etc.I spoke to a close friend and said that I feel so confused, cause I rebuked satan so proudfully and told him he must try as much as he wants to make my pregnancy horrible, cause once she is born, her first breath and cry will be a worship unto God and his attempts would prove to be in vain.

But now I feel like satan won, cause she never got to take her first breath.

My friend wisely answered me; But she IS worshipping God! She is before His throne daily, looking down on you!

Her answer really settled and comforted me.

But it was not long before the evil one tried to steal the words of comfort from me, for I started to doubt,question and wonder about things.

How do I know that she is in heaven?

Why did this happen to me? God’s word says that children are a blessing from God?

Did I do something wrong and is being punished.?

What was the purpose of this?

If each child is born with a purpose for his/her life already ingrained before birth,, why did she not get to live out her purpose?

My question on whether she is in Heaven got answered through the following verses:

Luke 18;16 Jesus said, let the little children come to Me and DO NOT FORBID them, for the kingdom of God belong to such as these

Matt 18:2 Assuredly I tell you, unless you convert and become as little children, you will by no means enter the Kingdom of God

As I pondered the purpose for her and me through this, God showed me the following as a older christain friend emailed me the following prayer;

God we know that You are the giver of life and You had a divine purpose in allowing the conception of this little one.Lord we resist attempting to understand in our humaness the reason for what has happened, for Your wisdom and knowledge are unsearchable and Your ways and decisions past finding out( Rom 11:33-34)

Lord Your word says that when a life is formed in the womb, You have already decided its purpose( Isaiah49:5)

At conception You have already determined the number of days the child would live and wrote them in Your book( Ps 139:16)

We are assured in Your word that once You have purposed something nothing can thwart Your plans( Isaiah 14:27)

Therefor Lord, help us therefor to no longer refer to this situation as a ‘mis-carriage’ or preganacy failure but as a ‘ in -womb-life-completion’

Lord, You give and You take away.May Your name be praised!( Job1:21b)

I was truly blessed and comforted by this prayer. I found peace that Rabekkah( as I was going to name her) had indeed forfilled her in -womb-purpose, and that satan did not rob her of her purpose. I realised that it is God who gives life AND takes it away. That is why murder is wrong, for it is not for us to decide when to take life.

Therefor Rabekkah did not die because of any evil influence.

Just as God forwarned me: when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, FEAR NO EVIL….

Evil, had no hand in this.

As I entered the stage of anger of my grieving process, it did not last long, because I stood in front of Jesus like the disciples did that day everyone deserted Him, and when He turned and asked Peter: are you too leaving Me? , Peters answer became mine too:

To whom shall we turn and to whom shall we go?You, Lord have the words of eternal life…( John 6:68)

I have walked through most of this valley but still had the hardest part to complete.

I still had to go round the bend of this journey ahead of: If God brings the good out of every situation for those who believe in Him as promises in Romans 8, then what good am I to take out of this? What purpose is in this?

True to His promise to guide me through this, I was shown.

It did not take long to meet up with people who have miscarried and messages being sent for prayer for them.

I found myself falling into prayer easily. Where in the past I would pray short prayers of please comfort them, please heal there hurt, I now prayed passionately, specifically, perseveringly.

I have walked down the valley.

I have tasted the pain.

I know the questions their hearts will spew up.

And I could pray, pray with passion.

As a prayerwarrior by nature, this affliction, truly afforded me a powerfull weapon for intercession!

I know that Gods word says that the feverent prayer of a rigteous man, availeth much.

Who better to pray feverently, when you have tasted the pain.

Who better to understand our sufferings, than He who has hung on the cross of suffering.

I have also found that when I meet up with mommies that miscarried, that instead of saying: I am so sorry I could now say: I understand

In the past I could stand with them, now I could walk with them.

If my greatest gain was to have been given understanding into the heart of a mom who has experienced miscarriage, I was surprised to, through this, to have been let into the heart and mind of God!

I am a nurse by profession and work in a trauma and emergency unit.

The one day I was so overburdened by all the sad cases that entered my emergency doors: rapes, suicides, domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse………….

I remember feeling sad that so many people are trapped by sin and its consequences.

My sadness reached a peak when a teenager died in my emergency unit after overdosing on some recreational drug.

As he lay there with blood pouring out his nostrils and ears and mouth, pale and limp, I started to cry.

And as I cried I heard the familiar verse in Ezekiel that says: it is not God’s will than any person should perish

A picture of Rebekkah, lying prematurely on my sanitary pad flashed into my mind and with a sudden overwhelming realisation I knew!!:

The pain I felt with loosing Rebekkah, was but an inkling of the pain that God feels when one of His children are lost.

For just as I was excited, just as I planned to have Rebekkah, just as I had my own plans and purposes for her, likewise God has that for each of us.

But when we are lost due to bad choices and never step into our purposes, for God it too is loosing a child……………and His pain is real……..

So now, when I pray for those in my immediate sphere that are lost, I have this picture of Rebekkah in mind…………..and guess what?

I pray more feverently and my hope and trust is this:

That it WILL availeth much!!

And to this end I know: Rebekkah’s death was not in vain!!

As I was walking around Greyville Racecourse for my weekly exercise, I passed two woman talking and I heard the one say to the other:

she just opens her legs to any man and then wonders why she ends up being left hurt and confused

I gasped at this crude expression and battled to get rid of the mental picture it left me of this unfortunate, nameless girl..

This reminded me about an elderly confused patient I had to catheterise the other day at work , who was unable to pass urine and had a bladder stretced almost to her ribcage, about to pop!!

I had to get my collegues to help me as she squeezed her legs shut, preventing me from catheterising her.

It further led me to think how open and willing my own marriage is and how blessed I am..

I thanked God and prayed for the nameless girl that was being discussed by the other two woman.

I felt God’s Spirit interjecting my thoughts:

openess has everything to do with relationships, not just on a physical platform.

Ok, Holy Spirit. You got my attention.Tell me more, I replied when only silence followed.

Intimacy can be taken forcefully against someones will, which is rape.

Sometimes,intimidation is used by playing on emotions, leading to fragile girls like your ”unnamed girl openig herselve, hoping to fill a need. Or intimacy, can be given freely, having been asked for out of true love and being given with true love.

Ok. That all sounds right. And? Where are You going with this?

When we minister or relate to people, we will come up against those who will resist and be closed. Those people are best left alone for the time being. If you purposefully go ahead and force your way in, trying to just get your point across, you will not gain their hearts, but end up pushing them away further, or even hurting them.

If you use words of flattery and appeal in order to try and win them over to open up,the end result too will end up disasterous, for it is indirectly a reversed or inverted way of force. Their openness is not given based on their willingness.

But when a person, by the Spirit of God, the Spirit of Love, has been brought to the place where they are ready to receive the message you have to share, not because you are forcefull or you are using intimidation, only then it is right and will be able to enter that person.Then , when they receive, they will conceive only goodness, as it was intended.

I continued walking in silence, trying to take in the weight of this astounding truth!

but I started,( feeling instantly like my six year old that always has to try and argue his points with a but), sometimes, someone you love NEEDS to hear the truth in order to prevent them from getting hurt.It is wrong to stand by and see them destroy themselves when you hold the answers.

mmm, yes,my Friend and Councillor responds( and I can alomost feel Him smiling)

That is why I brought to mind your patient you needed to catheterise. Due to her confusion, she was not open to the help she needed.Did you go ahead and tried to catheterise your patient without any help, you would have had to fight her off and she would have ended up bruised. But with the help of others, you could go ahead in gentle firmness and help her. This is no different to someone who is closed to the truth.You can speak the truth once, and if they resist, you dont go ahead and force your way.You stand back, and pray (ask)for help and then you leave it. God will send others across the persons path to slowly chip away at the person until they are open to the truth.

Always remember.Openeness has everything to do with relationships.

That is what makes Jesus distinct from any other god.

He stands at the door and knocks. He never forces His entry