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Archive for July, 2018

I find myself walking the short distance to work.

I am silently talking to God.

Not in audible words……but more in reminiscing thoughts, inclined towards heaven…..

I feel overwhelmed and overburdened by marriage, mom hood and fulltime work.

I remember the early days of my conversion, before marriage or children or responsibility.

Walking long stretches along the beach with my dog, talking to God.

Getting up early in the morning with a cup of coffee, talking to God, longing to hear Him respond.

Seeking and devouring the promises in His word with great gusto!

I memorised verses.

I prayed through lists of prayer requests, earnestly carrying the needs of my unsaved family and friends and even strangers on my heart.

I remember fasting and sneaking off during lunchtimes from work, to a nearby church, to go and pray for my husband’s salvation.

My faith was so alive!! So real!! So sincere!!

I was so passionate and on fire.

I ran a home cell.

I served in church programmes.

And I saw the fruits of that relationship…..

Most of my prayers saw fulfilment….some of them far beyond what I could ever ask for or dream. My husband for one, did not just get converted, but carried on to study for a pastor!

The one elderly man I prayed for, had a personal angelic visitation in a dream the night before he died……and when his wife re- told what he experienced, I knew it was in response to my prayers!! I never asked for an angelic visit, merely that God would reveal Himself to the man. It was meant in a symbolic way.

Yes, I have tasted and seen that God is good and no one will ever convince me different…….

But here, 20 years later, worn out by life and its challenges, I long for those early days of passion.

Now my faith feels dead.

Dead, because I know Gods Word says that faith without works, is dead……

I hardly have time to read Gods word and when I do, I find myself having to re-read the passage five or six more times because my brain feels like mashed potato from tiredness and distraction….

When I do get to go to church, I am so worked up and stressed from the morning rush and the sleepless nights I had with my young son, and the endless deadlines that needs to be attended to, that I hardly receive what is said.

My prayers consist mostly of arrow prayers.

Anxious, needy, arrow prayers:

“Give me strength God!”

“ Watch my sons Lord.”

“Forgive me for loosing my cool again with my teenagers’ moods or my toddlers tantrum.”

“Help me be the wife my husband deserves me to be.”

“Forgive me for envying that mom who looked like she had it all together and judging the driver in front of me.”

“Help!”

“Give!”

“Direct!”

“Guide!”

“Sorry!”

“Why? Why? Why? LOTS of:’ Why Lord’s’…….”

And just when I think “this season has passed” another “wave” comes crashing.

Illness of myself or my loved ones. And not Common- Cold illnesses. Long , outdrawn illnesses.

Robberies.

Financial unforeseen outlays.

Relationship strains…….

Deaths……

Disappointments and persecution.

And so my arrow prayers continue and my faith feels dead.

I see the needs around me, but I am so busy trying to stay above water that the sum total of my Christian serving, is merely a quick word of encouragement or another arrow prayer,either on their behalf or an arrow prayer of thanks for my existing blessings, spurred on by my witness of others’s suffering.

And so my faith continues feeling dead, hollow…..unreal.

As I struggle through each day I meet many others who feels the same.

Those with chronic incurable illnesses.

Those looking after aged bedridden parents, they themselves already stepped on, in years, yet having to provide care to their parents.

Those with special needs children…….

Single parents.

Barren woman.

Battered and abused woman.

When you look into their eyes, you read the same unspoken arrow prayers……..as found in your own heart.

You see in their eyes, the spark of desire to be more free, more energetic, to live out their faith with works of service…..

But they don’t have the luxuary of time or energy.

You see them search the chambers of their hearts after each challenging sermon to see if there is something in their live they can do different, let go off, or eliminate in order to “live up to the faith” and it becomes another arrow prayer, sounding like all their other arrow prayers:

” sorry for being less”

“help me be more”

“show me what to do”

Its during one of those arrow prayers, that God spoke to me through the words:

” don’t show me your passion. Show me your perseverance.”

Other ‘messages’ comes flooding in:

“without faith it is impossible to please GOD”…….and then it continues:” faith believes that God exists.

JUST THAT.

What pleases Him is that we believe that He exist and He is God.

Its our faith IN God that pleases Him…..not our works.

Yes “works” CANNOT be separated form faith, but works does not REPLACE faith.

Our faith does not need to be a huge mountain……..only a mustard seed…….

The faith of the one, that at a prolonged season cannot see, feel taste or even hear the voice of God tangibly, but still continue to believe that God exists, is the faith more stronger, than the faith that is riding on the heights of good tidings and pain free paths?

Faith that cannot be tested , cannot be trusted.

Faith that carries on, carrying on in the face of opposition, is truly an inward sign of passion.

Faith that keeps being challenged by opposition, resulting in the works of the flesh of anger despair, depression and grumbling, but that crawls back and asks for forgiveness and aspire to do it better next time, in the midst of opposition………is not THAT faith truly alive?

Truly real?

Truly passionate??

It carries on , carrying on, because deep down there is a flame of passion that keeps that mustard seed preserved……

It is not a firework display of passion.

No. Persevering faith is rather an inward kindle……….

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