Archive for August, 2017

Do. Or do not. There is no try.
– Joda,Starwars.

I was taking strain trying to maintain the bond of peace with a very very close family member.
Whatever i tried, did, say….a manipulative and paranoid spirit would spew forth from this person.
Often i would explode in defense and daggers would fly back and forth and we would both end up wounded.

I remember talking to God saying:" Lord , this is so difficult. I am always left having fits of rage and anger. I end up judging her and i walk around with hurt and bitterness.

With a pouting face, i approached God:
"i will apologise, even though she is wrong, and i will ask You to forgive and heal the hurt i feel.
Its just, Lord, why is she like this.?
I love her so much and have given up so much for her!! "

I was waiting for Gods Spirit to enfold me in comfort and love.
I expected Him to say:
" i know, i know my child how hard you try"
Instead, the words of 1 Cor 13 popped up:
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy or boast and is not proud.
It is not rude,selfseeking or easily angered.
It keeps no record of the wrong.
It does not delight in evil. It always protects, trusts,hope and persevere.
Love never fails."

I was stunned.
How easily we claim to love…….and yet our love maybe contains ONLY one or two of above aspects,yet lack everything else.

It took me a minute or two to realise that God was not comforting me, but challenging me!

The moment His insinuation hit me,i jumped into defense:
" Lord!! Ok ok, i get it. But i DO love her!! See how much i sacrificed! You, Yourself showed Your love through sacrifice!! Come on!! That 1 Cor 13 love is impossible!! Its supernatural!!
You expect me to fully love like that, You need to help me"

Since that day i tried. God knows, i tried so hard!!
I would pray almost daily:" help me love with a 1 Cor 13 love"
I TRIED to be patient. I TRIED to be kind. I TRIED not to get easily angered.

Daily i would fail in my trying.
I may get the" fits of rage" part right, but then i would find myself " keeping record of the wrong"
Or i would get the "always hope, always belief "part right but then fail on the " rude and selfseeking" part.
I kept trying and kept being hurt, over and over…..

In exasperation i cried: " i am trying so hard! I am not Jesus!! I cant do this! You are not helping!!"

No answer……for months and years on end.

So i kept trying….and kept failing…….

Pure exhaustion brought me to a place where i decided to stop trying.

" ok Lord. I now fail dismally.
I give up on the part of " always hoping, always persevering"
I used to belief that love never fails.
I dont anymore."

I stuck to the part of " love is kind" but not because I loved, but because i felt driven by guilt..
I no longer hoped,believed and decided not to persevere.

Something strange and unexpected happened.

As i backed off doing acts of kindness in the hope to " see a return of love-fruit", God started to reveal things to me.
I realised with a shock that the love i had for this family member had portions of
" selfseeking" to it.
To my horror i realised that at times i " do acts of kindness" with " conditions" attached to it.
How often do we reach out to others with expectation to
have a return: a smile, a thank you, a certain positive response.

" that is absolutely NOT true LORD," i protested!!
" i show kindness because i want to bless her!"

" Then why do you get angry when she does not eat the cake you baked her but give it away or do not wear the shirt you bought her? You dont sleep for days as you " keep record of this wrong" in your minds eye, my dear child?"

I had no defence.

I continued the acts of kindness but made sure i delivered it without expectation on my part.

I no longer " planned" my acts of kindness. There was no more strive. No more trying.
I just just did as ifelt led to do on the spur of the moment.

Some hing happened.
Acts of kindness started to come from her when i did not expect it.
Not at first.
But eventually.

My final lesson in love came when I went to help her with something, on her request.
As i stood back after assisting her, it was as if my eyes were unveiled.
I looked at her . she was totaly unaware of me looking at her and i saw her , what i belief, as God sees her.
I saw her insecurities, her heart, her fears, her loneliness, her dreams and wishes. I saw the child in her that never had a chance to develop…..all in a span of a few seconds.
And then i felt love towards her…..
Compassionate, overwhelming inexplicable love that had no expectations……
It did not come because i tried.
It came because i just decided to do.

Read Full Post »