Archive for October, 2012

Rainbow through my tears

Rainbow through my tears

It took me ten years to build up the courage to have my 1st born son, Timothy.

Due to a troubled childhood, I had a lot of emotional baggage and insecurities to work through.I did not want my child to suffer the same fate because of my insecurities, so I spent a lot of time working on myself and never felt ready and qualified to be a mom.

Then God spoke to me through an array of different people, verses and situations.

My final push from God came when I read the definition of courage one day that said:

COURAGE is not the absence of fear, but merely the decision to move ahead in spite of fear

I bargained with God that I wil try only once and if it does not work, that is it!!

I went off my contraception and fell pregnant immediately!!

Throughout my preganancy I was so overwhelmed with fear!

I did not know what to expect, I was worried, scared and was so sick with 24/7 vomiting that I had to be admitted to hospital for dehydration. I went into terrible antenatal depression.

If the pregnancy book had a list of 9 adverse preganancy symptoms, I had at least 8!

My preganancy was anything but blossoming!

And then I had my son, Timothy ,and it was the most amazing, joyfull thing in the world!!

I was so overwhelmed by this experience that I grieved the fact that I wasted ten years before having the courage to experience such joy!

Two years later we were planning a sibling. We tried for 18 months without success!

I could not understand as I fell pregnant so easily the first time.The first time I tried half heartedly and fearfully trembling, but now I wanted it more than anything in the world, and it was not happening!!

When I was about to give up, we received the good news!! I was pregnant!

This time there was no fear, no uncertainty.

I already made plans on how we would rearrange our small townhouse to give Tim’s sibling his/her own space.

I had names ready…….

I day dreamed about breastfeeding………

I already started a journal for her( I just felt it was going to be a girl and I was going to name her Rebekkah)

Only once, I felt the old famliliar antinatal depression creep up on me, but I immediately cast it off saying to satan: the minute this child is born, takes her first breath, and cries her first cry,the sound will be glorifying to the God who gives life!!

I prayed for the depression to lift, and the verse in Ps 23 : even if you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, fear no evil, My rod and staff will comfort you popped into my mind, loud and clear!

I thought this verse was referring to the depression I was feeling as the valley of shadow of death

Only in hindsight, I now know that God was already preparing me for walking literally through the valley of death!

At 12 weeks I started to bleed.

The bleeding was just a few spots and I was told to rest. By the evening I started to experience cramping. I went to the emergency room and was told to wait and see my gynae in the morning. By the next morning I was fully in labour!

When my gynae scanned me I just knew, cause I could not see a heart beat and my bean’ was lying at the bottom of my womb. …

My gynae just said ;’ sorry my girl., the scan showed she stopped growing at 9 weeks already…..

I was admitted to the ward for a D/C and while I was there I was just bleeding uncontrollably.

I kept going to the bathroom to change my sanitary pad when suddenly I felt something heavy pass through my birthcanal.

I went to change my sanitary pad and there she was………..about 5 centimeters big, lying on the sanitary pad!. Oval in form with four stumps where the limbs would have been, two grey dots where the eyes were forming and two holes where the nose would have been!!

It all happened so fast. So unexpected!

I went home, opened the journal I started for her, and wrote;

Today Mommy miscarried you…..

My womb feels empty…….just like the rest of these pages……..

The following few days I was not as shattered as I thought I would be. God was truly comforting me in a way I never knew possible. It was weird, .like my emotions and heart was wrapped in soft cottonwool….

But I was to be shown in a more real way exactly how God’s rod and staff would comfort me through people being used by Him.

For this valley of death had many nooks and crooks and bends that I still had to face…….

Three days later my breasts started to leak milk but there was no little mouth to suckle!

It was more than I could bear!

I cried to my husband and remember saying to him: I know she is in Heaven, and that one day I will see her.But I never got to meet her and know her, so how will I even know its her when I meet her?

My husband answered : She will know you. She was nestled under your heart for three months…..

The next few weeks I battled emotionally, going through the normal grieving process of depression, blaming, anger, bargaining etc.I spoke to a close friend and said that I feel so confused, cause I rebuked satan so proudfully and told him he must try as much as he wants to make my pregnancy horrible, cause once she is born, her first breath and cry will be a worship unto God and his attempts would prove to be in vain.

But now I feel like satan won, cause she never got to take her first breath.

My friend wisely answered me; But she IS worshipping God! She is before His throne daily, looking down on you!

Her answer really settled and comforted me.

But it was not long before the evil one tried to steal the words of comfort from me, for I started to doubt,question and wonder about things.

How do I know that she is in heaven?

Why did this happen to me? God’s word says that children are a blessing from God?

Did I do something wrong and is being punished.?

What was the purpose of this?

If each child is born with a purpose for his/her life already ingrained before birth,, why did she not get to live out her purpose?

My question on whether she is in Heaven got answered through the following verses:

Luke 18;16 Jesus said, let the little children come to Me and DO NOT FORBID them, for the kingdom of God belong to such as these

Matt 18:2 Assuredly I tell you, unless you convert and become as little children, you will by no means enter the Kingdom of God

As I pondered the purpose for her and me through this, God showed me the following as a older christain friend emailed me the following prayer;

God we know that You are the giver of life and You had a divine purpose in allowing the conception of this little one.Lord we resist attempting to understand in our humaness the reason for what has happened, for Your wisdom and knowledge are unsearchable and Your ways and decisions past finding out( Rom 11:33-34)

Lord Your word says that when a life is formed in the womb, You have already decided its purpose( Isaiah49:5)

At conception You have already determined the number of days the child would live and wrote them in Your book( Ps 139:16)

We are assured in Your word that once You have purposed something nothing can thwart Your plans( Isaiah 14:27)

Therefor Lord, help us therefor to no longer refer to this situation as a ‘mis-carriage’ or preganacy failure but as a ‘ in -womb-life-completion’

Lord, You give and You take away.May Your name be praised!( Job1:21b)

I was truly blessed and comforted by this prayer. I found peace that Rabekkah( as I was going to name her) had indeed forfilled her in -womb-purpose, and that satan did not rob her of her purpose. I realised that it is God who gives life AND takes it away. That is why murder is wrong, for it is not for us to decide when to take life.

Therefor Rabekkah did not die because of any evil influence.

Just as God forwarned me: when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, FEAR NO EVIL….

Evil, had no hand in this.

As I entered the stage of anger of my grieving process, it did not last long, because I stood in front of Jesus like the disciples did that day everyone deserted Him, and when He turned and asked Peter: are you too leaving Me? , Peters answer became mine too:

To whom shall we turn and to whom shall we go?You, Lord have the words of eternal life…( John 6:68)

I have walked through most of this valley but still had the hardest part to complete.

I still had to go round the bend of this journey ahead of: If God brings the good out of every situation for those who believe in Him as promises in Romans 8, then what good am I to take out of this? What purpose is in this?

True to His promise to guide me through this, I was shown.

It did not take long to meet up with people who have miscarried and messages being sent for prayer for them.

I found myself falling into prayer easily. Where in the past I would pray short prayers of please comfort them, please heal there hurt, I now prayed passionately, specifically, perseveringly.

I have walked down the valley.

I have tasted the pain.

I know the questions their hearts will spew up.

And I could pray, pray with passion.

As a prayerwarrior by nature, this affliction, truly afforded me a powerfull weapon for intercession!

I know that Gods word says that the feverent prayer of a rigteous man, availeth much.

Who better to pray feverently, when you have tasted the pain.

Who better to understand our sufferings, than He who has hung on the cross of suffering.

I have also found that when I meet up with mommies that miscarried, that instead of saying: I am so sorry I could now say: I understand

In the past I could stand with them, now I could walk with them.

If my greatest gain was to have been given understanding into the heart of a mom who has experienced miscarriage, I was surprised to, through this, to have been let into the heart and mind of God!

I am a nurse by profession and work in a trauma and emergency unit.

The one day I was so overburdened by all the sad cases that entered my emergency doors: rapes, suicides, domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse………….

I remember feeling sad that so many people are trapped by sin and its consequences.

My sadness reached a peak when a teenager died in my emergency unit after overdosing on some recreational drug.

As he lay there with blood pouring out his nostrils and ears and mouth, pale and limp, I started to cry.

And as I cried I heard the familiar verse in Ezekiel that says: it is not God’s will than any person should perish

A picture of Rebekkah, lying prematurely on my sanitary pad flashed into my mind and with a sudden overwhelming realisation I knew!!:

The pain I felt with loosing Rebekkah, was but an inkling of the pain that God feels when one of His children are lost.

For just as I was excited, just as I planned to have Rebekkah, just as I had my own plans and purposes for her, likewise God has that for each of us.

But when we are lost due to bad choices and never step into our purposes, for God it too is loosing a child……………and His pain is real……..

So now, when I pray for those in my immediate sphere that are lost, I have this picture of Rebekkah in mind…………..and guess what?

I pray more feverently and my hope and trust is this:

That it WILL availeth much!!

And to this end I know: Rebekkah’s death was not in vain!!


Read Full Post »

So who did you rape today?

As I was walking around Greyville Racecourse for my weekly exercise, I passed two woman talking and I heard the one say to the other:

she just opens her legs to any man and then wonders why she ends up being left hurt and confused

I gasped at this crude expression and battled to get rid of the mental picture it left me of this unfortunate, nameless girl..

This reminded me about an elderly confused patient I had to catheterise the other day at work , who was unable to pass urine and had a bladder stretced almost to her ribcage, about to pop!!

I had to get my collegues to help me as she squeezed her legs shut, preventing me from catheterising her.

It further led me to think how open and willing my own marriage is and how blessed I am..

I thanked God and prayed for the nameless girl that was being discussed by the other two woman.

I felt God’s Spirit interjecting my thoughts:

openess has everything to do with relationships, not just on a physical platform.

Ok, Holy Spirit. You got my attention.Tell me more, I replied when only silence followed.

Intimacy can be taken forcefully against someones will, which is rape.

Sometimes,intimidation is used by playing on emotions, leading to fragile girls like your ”unnamed girl openig herselve, hoping to fill a need. Or intimacy, can be given freely, having been asked for out of true love and being given with true love.

Ok. That all sounds right. And? Where are You going with this?

When we minister or relate to people, we will come up against those who will resist and be closed. Those people are best left alone for the time being. If you purposefully go ahead and force your way in, trying to just get your point across, you will not gain their hearts, but end up pushing them away further, or even hurting them.

If you use words of flattery and appeal in order to try and win them over to open up,the end result too will end up disasterous, for it is indirectly a reversed or inverted way of force. Their openness is not given based on their willingness.

But when a person, by the Spirit of God, the Spirit of Love, has been brought to the place where they are ready to receive the message you have to share, not because you are forcefull or you are using intimidation, only then it is right and will be able to enter that person.Then , when they receive, they will conceive only goodness, as it was intended.

I continued walking in silence, trying to take in the weight of this astounding truth!

but I started,( feeling instantly like my six year old that always has to try and argue his points with a but), sometimes, someone you love NEEDS to hear the truth in order to prevent them from getting hurt.It is wrong to stand by and see them destroy themselves when you hold the answers.

mmm, yes,my Friend and Councillor responds( and I can alomost feel Him smiling)

That is why I brought to mind your patient you needed to catheterise. Due to her confusion, she was not open to the help she needed.Did you go ahead and tried to catheterise your patient without any help, you would have had to fight her off and she would have ended up bruised. But with the help of others, you could go ahead in gentle firmness and help her. This is no different to someone who is closed to the truth.You can speak the truth once, and if they resist, you dont go ahead and force your way.You stand back, and pray (ask)for help and then you leave it. God will send others across the persons path to slowly chip away at the person until they are open to the truth.

Always remember.Openeness has everything to do with relationships.

That is what makes Jesus distinct from any other god.

He stands at the door and knocks. He never forces His entry

Read Full Post »