So it was father’s day and youth day at the church today.

Jordan comes in with the rest of the little ones to deliver chocolates and cards to all the men in the congregation. They each carry two chocolates and cards to hand out. Just like on mothers day when Jordan gave me 2 roses instead of one, he give both chocolates and cards to Darryl.

So I take him by the hand and walk him to an elderly gentleman to hand it to him. Jordan resists me. I bend down and tell him: “no Jordan. Daddy has one. Give this to this uncle”. Jordan: “mommy no!! I want to give it to daddy so I can have one later”😇🙄

After the chocolate delivery the little ones are taken up on stage to join the worship team (led by the youth of which Tim is also one of the singers up there today, as he joined the band). They sing a catchy song with actions .

The other little ones are singing and performing the accompanying actions. Even the smallest there with dummy in mouth. 😇

But not Jordan. He has pulled his hoody all the way over his eyes all the way to his top lip and stands like that throughout the performance. 😇🤔

Later when we are home I ask Tim: “You looked really great up there. Although you were the youngest and all the others were matric or post-matric. You did not look like you are 12. Did you enjoy singing?”
Tim: “Yes, how did I sound? Could you hear me?”😎
Me: “You sounded great Tim (although I really could not hear JUST him … but anyway!!!)

Me: “Jordan. Why did you not dance and sing and pull your hoody over you face?”
Jordan: “Because I was sly….” 😂😂 (he means shy)

Chalk and cheese; my teenager loves being in the spotlight and my 4yr old does not want to be seen on stage and hides away. Yet after the service, Jordan runs like a wild child performing top notch in the department of naughtiness and excitement for EVERYONE to witness, not caring who sees him.

And Tim?? He is hiding somewhere in the shadows because : “Jordan is embarrassing.” 😆

And us as parents??

We have to perform daily on the “stage of parenthood”! Non stop, 24/7, whether you have the energy or feel in the mood or not.

And there is no place to hide (except the toilet, although in my household that luxury does not belong to me as the toilets are always occupied by one of the men in my house for lengthy periods at a time) 😶

As I look at the first-time parents today standing in front of the congregation to dedicate their son, in absolute awe and admiration of their angel-faced little darling, all this is running through my mind and I think “this is the beginning of the best performance of their life!!” 😍😇🤔

There will be high notes and low notes. There will be blunders and also moments of great achievement. There will be moments of thunderous applause and times of awkward, uncomfotable silence when they “trip and fall” in their role as a parents that will make them wish they too had a hoody to pull over their face. 😇😇😙

But in the end it is all worth it.

I find myself walking the short distance to work.

I am silently talking to God.

Not in audible words……but more in reminiscing thoughts, inclined towards heaven…..

I feel overwhelmed and overburdened by marriage, mom hood and fulltime work.

I remember the early days of my conversion, before marriage or children or responsibility.

Walking long stretches along the beach with my dog, talking to God.

Getting up early in the morning with a cup of coffee, talking to God, longing to hear Him respond.

Seeking and devouring the promises in His word with great gusto!

I memorised verses.

I prayed through lists of prayer requests, earnestly carrying the needs of my unsaved family and friends and even strangers on my heart.

I remember fasting and sneaking off during lunchtimes from work, to a nearby church, to go and pray for my husband’s salvation.

My faith was so alive!! So real!! So sincere!!

I was so passionate and on fire.

I ran a home cell.

I served in church programmes.

And I saw the fruits of that relationship…..

Most of my prayers saw fulfilment….some of them far beyond what I could ever ask for or dream. My husband for one, did not just get converted, but carried on to study for a pastor!

The one elderly man I prayed for, had a personal angelic visitation in a dream the night before he died……and when his wife re- told what he experienced, I knew it was in response to my prayers!! I never asked for an angelic visit, merely that God would reveal Himself to the man. It was meant in a symbolic way.

Yes, I have tasted and seen that God is good and no one will ever convince me different…….

But here, 20 years later, worn out by life and its challenges, I long for those early days of passion.

Now my faith feels dead.

Dead, because I know Gods Word says that faith without works, is dead……

I hardly have time to read Gods word and when I do, I find myself having to re-read the passage five or six more times because my brain feels like mashed potato from tiredness and distraction….

When I do get to go to church, I am so worked up and stressed from the morning rush and the sleepless nights I had with my young son, and the endless deadlines that needs to be attended to, that I hardly receive what is said.

My prayers consist mostly of arrow prayers.

Anxious, needy, arrow prayers:

“Give me strength God!”

“ Watch my sons Lord.”

“Forgive me for loosing my cool again with my teenagers’ moods or my toddlers tantrum.”

“Help me be the wife my husband deserves me to be.”

“Forgive me for envying that mom who looked like she had it all together and judging the driver in front of me.”






“Why? Why? Why? LOTS of:’ Why Lord’s’…….”

And just when I think “this season has passed” another “wave” comes crashing.

Illness of myself or my loved ones. And not Common- Cold illnesses. Long , outdrawn illnesses.


Financial unforeseen outlays.

Relationship strains…….


Disappointments and persecution.

And so my arrow prayers continue and my faith feels dead.

I see the needs around me, but I am so busy trying to stay above water that the sum total of my Christian serving, is merely a quick word of encouragement or another arrow prayer,either on their behalf or an arrow prayer of thanks for my existing blessings, spurred on by my witness of others’s suffering.

And so my faith continues feeling dead, hollow…..unreal.

As I struggle through each day I meet many others who feels the same.

Those with chronic incurable illnesses.

Those looking after aged bedridden parents, they themselves already stepped on, in years, yet having to provide care to their parents.

Those with special needs children…….

Single parents.

Barren woman.

Battered and abused woman.

When you look into their eyes, you read the same unspoken arrow prayers……..as found in your own heart.

You see in their eyes, the spark of desire to be more free, more energetic, to live out their faith with works of service…..

But they don’t have the luxuary of time or energy.

You see them search the chambers of their hearts after each challenging sermon to see if there is something in their live they can do different, let go off, or eliminate in order to “live up to the faith” and it becomes another arrow prayer, sounding like all their other arrow prayers:

” sorry for being less”

“help me be more”

“show me what to do”

Its during one of those arrow prayers, that God spoke to me through the words:

” don’t show me your passion. Show me your perseverance.”

Other ‘messages’ comes flooding in:

“without faith it is impossible to please GOD”…….and then it continues:” faith believes that God exists.


What pleases Him is that we believe that He exist and He is God.

Its our faith IN God that pleases Him…..not our works.

Yes “works” CANNOT be separated form faith, but works does not REPLACE faith.

Our faith does not need to be a huge mountain……..only a mustard seed…….

The faith of the one, that at a prolonged season cannot see, feel taste or even hear the voice of God tangibly, but still continue to believe that God exists, is the faith more stronger, than the faith that is riding on the heights of good tidings and pain free paths?

Faith that cannot be tested , cannot be trusted.

Faith that carries on, carrying on in the face of opposition, is truly an inward sign of passion.

Faith that keeps being challenged by opposition, resulting in the works of the flesh of anger despair, depression and grumbling, but that crawls back and asks for forgiveness and aspire to do it better next time, in the midst of opposition………is not THAT faith truly alive?

Truly real?

Truly passionate??

It carries on , carrying on, because deep down there is a flame of passion that keeps that mustard seed preserved……

It is not a firework display of passion.

No. Persevering faith is rather an inward kindle……….

The information contained in this communication from clinic_overport is confidential. It is intended solely for use by and others authorized to receive it. If you are not , you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or taking action in relation of the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful.



I could sense something was troubling my 11 year old son, over the course of a few days.
I kept asking if everything was ok and he kept assuring me, somewhat matter of fact-ly and with an undertone of irritation , that all was well.

After about a week, he came to me complaining of an upset stomach.
Being a nurse by profession, I ran a list of symptoms past him, to try and determine a possible diagnosis and resultantly the necessary treatment.
I sat next to him and then asked;” it sounds to me like you are anxious. What is worrying you, my boy. Tell mom. It does not matter what it is.”

After five minutes of building up his courage, he confessed that he has been unusually anxious for over a week,about everything.
When he hears a sound in the middle of the night, he wonders if it is an intruder. When he sees a swelling on his skin, he wonders if it is a spider bite.
He continued also telling me about many other fears and worries, eg that he does not understand why he is so angry and irritable with us, his parents, all the time.

I hugged him and reassured him and “shone some light and insight” into each fear and worry.
I informed him that what he was experiencing was a normal pre teen stage. He has one foot still in childhood and one foot heading towards adulthood and his brain and heart is still trying to balance the two transitions.
I ended off by reminding him again:” don’t wait so long next time to turn to us. When I ask you, because I know you better than you know yourself, what is wrong, take up the invitation and talk to me. It is not a sign of being “ a baby”. You don’t have to try and act all strong and mature when you are under our roof.The quicker you approach us and trusts us, the quicker we can shine light and truth and wisdom into your situation. We can come around you and guide you, protect you from incorrect thinking and also stand with you in prayer to cover you spiritually. But we cannot do this if you don’t come to us”

A few days later , I was replaying ( the way mothers do) the scenario in my head. I prayed to God to please give my husband and me wisdom to raise our boys in this day and age and to come along side us as we teach and guide our boys. I asked Him to please surround them with His spirit when we are not close to them.
I reminded God how bound I was by fear when I was pregnant and confessed that I don’t want my boys to live in the agony of fear, as I have had to.
It was at this point of my prayer that my last words to my son popped up loud and clear in my mind.
For a few seconds I was taken aback and unsure why God reminded me of this.
Then the truth dropped.
I heard Gods Spirit repeat :
“ my child, don’t wait so long to talk to Me and run to Me with your fears and worries. I know You better than you know yourself. I formed you.
The quicker you decide to trust Me, the quicker I can guide you and shine light and wisdom into your situation. The quicker you come to Me I can dispel all incorrect thoughts and lies with My Spirit of Truth. I will surround you with My love and draw you close to me.
It is not by your might or power, but by the power of My Spirit. I will show My self strong in Your weakness. Just draw close to Me”

God is the ultimate Father.
We are indeed His children.
And by His Spirit we can truly cry :” Abba!!”

Fitting in the box

I read the other day:” some people won’t like you unless you fit into their box.
If this happens, feel free to shove the box up their nostril”

I smiled as I read this.
It was a timely message for me, as I have had a rather pressing season of being misunderstood in my intentions, being rejected, judged and just “not fitting in the box”

In the days to follow,I tried to remember this image in my minds eye whenever I felt the sting of rejection rearing its ugly head or the feeling of uselessness starting its suffocating emerge.
But true to being a child of God, I was soon tested on this very “new truth” I was clinging to.

I was late one morning as I was walking to work.
I had to up the pace of my steps.
My mind was full of the previous night’s fallout I had with my preteen son.
As I was rushing ahead over busy streets and noisy traffic, my mind was replaying the fall out- scene with my son, while simultaneously trying to problem solve.
I was about to cross an intersection.
I saw that the traffic light was red .
However, the moment I stepped off the curb, the traffic light turned green for the waiting traffic at the stop street. The car that was waiting, sped ahead ,at the same moment I stepped off the curb.
I realised my ignorant mistake as the light turned green, but I was already three steps ahead, so I paced up my step.
The cars ‘ bumper missed my thigh by millimetres!
The irate driver opened his window ,while pressing unnecessarily long on his hooter, and shouted incessant profanities over me.
It was morning peak hour. There were many many more motorists sitting in their cars being witness to what happened.
I was wrong.
I admit.
The driver had all right to be irritated.
But it was an honest, unintentional mistake.

My already burdened heart and tired soul from the previous nights’ fallout with my son, just felt like it wanted to crumble under the embarrassment in front of all the onlookers.
The profanity the irate motorist was shouting over me, was just crushing my spirit more.
I wanted to turn and say I am so sorry, but I was too embarrass and the tears just too close. I just put my head down and kept on walking.
My heart was bouncing up and down like a wild donkey from my narrow escape.

“ thank you Lord for protecting me from harm. I am truly sorry, but I wish this guy would not be so hard. If only he knew my heart, he would be less condemning now. I am sure he has made mistakes in his life as well. He is driving in his nice expensive car in his nice expensive clothes. If I had a car and my life was somewhat different, I would not be walking. If I was not feeling so much like a failing mom and wife, I would have been concentrating better.”

I can’t blame him, though.
He knows none of the internal battles raging in me.
As I was trying to filter and process my thoughts, God reminded me how often I have been in a reverse role, showing my irritation or cursing another driver or pedestrian under my breath, labelling them as an idiot or inconsiderate dumb head, when I was driving.
How often and quick we are to jump to conclusions and judge someone’s actions, when we have no clue whatsoever actually what is going on in that persons life or even what the true motives are behind their action.

Grant it.
There is indeed selfish and self entitled people out there that would cross the road or make a U-turn in front of you, because, THEY REALLY JUST DON’T CARE about the next person.
But is this indeed the case with every single person, irritating you?
When we do that, are we not also just labelling people as not fitting into “ our box” at that moment?

What is “our box” ?
Its our place of control, order, perfection. Our place where everything and everyone fits where it must, do what it must and deliver what is expected as per OUR plans and OUR schedules.
“ our box” is symbolic of our preconceived expectations.
If our expectations are not met, well then that person has stepped out of the line, or stepped out of our box.

The result? We don’t like them at that moment.

And that would be ok, if that is where it stayed.
But it does not, does it?
We now go ahead and “make up our mind” or judge that person as lazy, inconsiderate, stupid, selfish, ungrateful and so forth.
Its ok to get irritated with people.
We are human.
But I guess its what we do with that irritation or unmet expectation.

As I walked into my work station that morning, feeling quite bruised and broken from being shoved into too may peoples “ boxes”, I asked God to help me to not do the same to those around me.
I will need His help , for we all fall easily into this habit.

We do it even with God.
We know the God “ who is”.
But we try to fit Him into our box of” the God WE want”

“Help me Lord.
It is easy to find the dirt in anyone.
Help me Lord to find the gold in people.
Rescue me when I am “ boxed in” by others…..”

Do. Or do not. There is no try.
– Joda,Starwars.

I was taking strain trying to maintain the bond of peace with a very very close family member.
Whatever i tried, did, say….a manipulative and paranoid spirit would spew forth from this person.
Often i would explode in defense and daggers would fly back and forth and we would both end up wounded.

I remember talking to God saying:" Lord , this is so difficult. I am always left having fits of rage and anger. I end up judging her and i walk around with hurt and bitterness.

With a pouting face, i approached God:
"i will apologise, even though she is wrong, and i will ask You to forgive and heal the hurt i feel.
Its just, Lord, why is she like this.?
I love her so much and have given up so much for her!! "

I was waiting for Gods Spirit to enfold me in comfort and love.
I expected Him to say:
" i know, i know my child how hard you try"
Instead, the words of 1 Cor 13 popped up:
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy or boast and is not proud.
It is not rude,selfseeking or easily angered.
It keeps no record of the wrong.
It does not delight in evil. It always protects, trusts,hope and persevere.
Love never fails."

I was stunned.
How easily we claim to love…….and yet our love maybe contains ONLY one or two of above aspects,yet lack everything else.

It took me a minute or two to realise that God was not comforting me, but challenging me!

The moment His insinuation hit me,i jumped into defense:
" Lord!! Ok ok, i get it. But i DO love her!! See how much i sacrificed! You, Yourself showed Your love through sacrifice!! Come on!! That 1 Cor 13 love is impossible!! Its supernatural!!
You expect me to fully love like that, You need to help me"

Since that day i tried. God knows, i tried so hard!!
I would pray almost daily:" help me love with a 1 Cor 13 love"
I TRIED to be patient. I TRIED to be kind. I TRIED not to get easily angered.

Daily i would fail in my trying.
I may get the" fits of rage" part right, but then i would find myself " keeping record of the wrong"
Or i would get the "always hope, always belief "part right but then fail on the " rude and selfseeking" part.
I kept trying and kept being hurt, over and over…..

In exasperation i cried: " i am trying so hard! I am not Jesus!! I cant do this! You are not helping!!"

No answer……for months and years on end.

So i kept trying….and kept failing…….

Pure exhaustion brought me to a place where i decided to stop trying.

" ok Lord. I now fail dismally.
I give up on the part of " always hoping, always persevering"
I used to belief that love never fails.
I dont anymore."

I stuck to the part of " love is kind" but not because I loved, but because i felt driven by guilt..
I no longer hoped,believed and decided not to persevere.

Something strange and unexpected happened.

As i backed off doing acts of kindness in the hope to " see a return of love-fruit", God started to reveal things to me.
I realised with a shock that the love i had for this family member had portions of
" selfseeking" to it.
To my horror i realised that at times i " do acts of kindness" with " conditions" attached to it.
How often do we reach out to others with expectation to
have a return: a smile, a thank you, a certain positive response.

" that is absolutely NOT true LORD," i protested!!
" i show kindness because i want to bless her!"

" Then why do you get angry when she does not eat the cake you baked her but give it away or do not wear the shirt you bought her? You dont sleep for days as you " keep record of this wrong" in your minds eye, my dear child?"

I had no defence.

I continued the acts of kindness but made sure i delivered it without expectation on my part.

I no longer " planned" my acts of kindness. There was no more strive. No more trying.
I just just did as ifelt led to do on the spur of the moment.

Some hing happened.
Acts of kindness started to come from her when i did not expect it.
Not at first.
But eventually.

My final lesson in love came when I went to help her with something, on her request.
As i stood back after assisting her, it was as if my eyes were unveiled.
I looked at her . she was totaly unaware of me looking at her and i saw her , what i belief, as God sees her.
I saw her insecurities, her heart, her fears, her loneliness, her dreams and wishes. I saw the child in her that never had a chance to develop…..all in a span of a few seconds.
And then i felt love towards her…..
Compassionate, overwhelming inexplicable love that had no expectations……
It did not come because i tried.
It came because i just decided to do.

“They will be called trees of righteousness, a planting of The Lord, that He may be glorified” (Isiah 61:3)

I was standing on the shopping centres’ roof top, looking out over the surroundings.
My gaze fell on some tree fellers, who were busy cutting a very big and sturdy tree down, bit by bit. The tree was huge in all aspects. It had a trunk that would take at least four people holding hands, to be able to encircle it. It towered up very high and its branches umbrella-ed out far and wide.

Over the next five days, I watched as this majestic tree was taken down bit by bit.
This tree was in the backyard of a house. My eyes travelled a few meters to the nearby public park, filled with its own large trees scattered here and there. I noticed two butterflies frolicking in the tree tops and a few bees buzzing on the tiny fruit flowers. A pair of doves were “ making out” in one of the other trees. Underneath, several road workers were lying in its shade, undoubtedly napping during their lunch break.
Under another tree a mother sat, nursing her baby, while chatting to a friend.

It was my lunch break too. I normally go up to the rooftop in order to get away from my work desk and get some fresh air and sunlight, hoping to have some” quiet time with God”
This particular week I was quite troubled. My husband and me have been subject to some relationship conflicts regarding our immediate family but also within our spiritual family in our church. I have been checking my heart to try and diagnose any offenses but could not pin point any. Where I felt I may have been judgemental or possibly erred, I confessed.

The question in my heart that week, as I walked up to the rooftop was ;” Lord, how is it, when you step into ministry, that you get attacked so much, by non believers and believers? Is it something we are doing wrong? Surely we should be an instrument of peace, love and reconciliation?”

It was at this point, mulling over the question in my heart, that my eyes fell on the tree being felled and as I watched the trees from the rooftop, the verse in Isaiah 61 popped up loud and clear.

“yes Lord. I know that you see those who are saved, as trees of righteousness. Right now, however I feel like those in ministry is like this tree being felled.
We should be a safe haven for Your grace ( butterflies) to constantly filter through our leaves and bring beauty to those around us.
We should be a resting place and a place for people and families to “nest” in our branches.
We should be a place of shade and rest and comfort to those around us.”

On this particular day, the wind was blowing mercilessly. I would have to comb and fix my hair before stepping back behind my desk. As I looked out, the tree tops were swaying heavily, loosing leaves all over. The people far down below, however were un affected by the wind, as was the smaller shrubs from the houses down below.

“the stronger your faith and growth in Me become, the higher you grow up just like these trees. This is good ,as it affords you vision far beyond those who are still in the infant stage of their walk. But it does however positions you to be subject to strong opposing winds as well. Our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of the air.”

As I was giving thought to what God just said, I saw a gardener busy sweeping the garden of a house nearby. The leaves and fruits that have fallen from the tree, have made quite a mess. The purple fruit caused big blotches all over the cement underneath it, undoubltly being a slipping hazard too, should someone step on it. A hadida takes off from the branches of that tree, but not before he deposits some bird droppings also on the cement below. As he takes off I see a movement in the branches of the same tree and I notice a cat. No doubt, this was a failed bird stalking attempt for the cat.

How different this picture is from the nesting birds, fluttering butterflies and sleeping relaxing workers in the shade.

This tree is no different from any of the other trees! Yet just being a tree, by nature, has caused him to “ be an irritation” and “inconvenience” to those around him. Yes, he also provides nesting opportunities and breeding ground for the insects and shade.
But he also causes a mess around him and attracts “poachers” And all of this has happened by no doing of its own, but by default, by just the mere fact of BEING a tree.

“in this world you will have many troubles, but take heart, I have overcome…”

A sudden picture of the The Passion pops up in my minds eye of Jesus on the road to Calvary.

Jesus was a root , a tender branch form the tribe of Judah. Many found rest and comfort in the shelter of His branches. Many got healed by His fruits. People were drawn to Him from far and wide as He towered out above the crowds. Grace fluttered around him in huge abundance. The disciples too ate from his fruit and was send out to “pollinate” other trees of Gods planting….. And yet He got taken out.

And so it is with us!
Our leaves will be leaves of healing to some, but a source of irritation to others.
Our fruit will be food to some and an inconvenience to others.
Our strength will get opposed by the forces of the air and our very planting may be an obstruction to others.
And all of this, just because we are a planting of The Lord.
For no other reason.

The next morning as I walk to work, an entire stretch of trees are being felled.
Not because they are causing a mess.
Not because they are an obstruction.
But because they have become infected with white ants.
They have become unstable and a danger to those around them.

“whoever do not bear fruit will be cut down by The Lord…”

Lord!! That You will indeed search my heart and see if there is any offensive ways in me and lead me along your paths of truth! Lord I make You my hope and my confidence. Let me be like a tree planted by your streams. Make my roots go deep. Let me not be worried by drought and opposing winds, but bear fruit in and out of season. Protect me from being cut down by men without Your will but above all, by Your grace may I never be cut down by You, because I have become diseased and fruitless.

When i have no words…

Your word says that if we draw close to You, You will draw close to us….

But Lord, how do we do this when we are drawn in so many different directions by our many roles as moms, wifes,daughters,sisters and friends.
Lord, i may as well be honest to You, for You know my heart anyway:most days i only have the " crumbs and scaps" of my day left to give You.
I dont want to…..but that is what i have.
Untill You can please open this " red sea" of my many responsibilities in front of me, i ask that You take my scraps, take my "five loafs and my two fish" and multiply it none the less. I pray that You will indeed show Yourselve strong in my weakness.
I pray that You grant me a willing spirit to sustain me and that You restore joy to my soul.
Your word says to come to You when we are weary…..it asks for nothing more( not even for my scraps and leftovers)…… You just ask one thing: and that is THAT I COME, just as i am, just where i find myself.
So i come to You Lord, when i have five minutes in the shower. I come to You when i have a wee on the loo. I come to You when i brush my teeth…..i have nothing to give. I dont have strenght to even talk. So i come at these " small stolen and weird moments"
I just incline my heart and soul to You and whisper:" Jesus"…
Its no lofty prayer, i know….but i know Your name is lofty and high!
Your word says that at the mention of Your name every knee and situation will have to bow. I know that by no other name salvation can be found. I know that no one can come to the Father but through Your name.
I know that whoever trusts in Your name will not be put to shame.
So i come…at these awkward stolen moments and i just whisper Your name.
I dont ask any thing. I dont state my case. Because i know that Your name alone will , make my situation bow and will save it. I know Your name alone will bring me and my troubled heart before the Father. Your name promises me that i wont stand in shame for too long.
Speak to me in these awkward stolen moments i pray…..for i, Your servant is listening…….